REBUILDING THE LIFE I LOVE #2 (post 9)

Part Two

After a short trip of only 2 nights to the Gold Coast spent feeding my soul with love, laughter, sunshine and amazing food I came home feeling so refreshed, clear minded and a bit more like ‘me’ again. It was the clearest my mind had felt since having the stroke. The following day on the 17th May, 6 weeks after my first physiotherapy session I was asked if I would partake in a seminar at the Repat with 10 physiotherapists/physiologists with a focus on my story, my recovery to date and goals I hoped to achieve. As aiming to run a half marathon was specific and ambitious, my physio and EP wanted to make sure they were doing everything possible to help me on the right track to achieve it. The team of physiotherapists/physiologists were a mix of different ages and expertise in the field.

The group were given a run down on my history and what exercises and strategies had been implemented so far to help me achieve my goals. It was quite intense as I was required to answer many questions and explain in depth any feeling/sensation or lack thereof I had, something I have always had difficulty with. I was also required to demonstrate basic movements including walking, running, hopping and skipping. A few suggestions were given but overall it appeared my team were on the right track which was great news.

Let’s talk about driving. Although I had been given medical clearance to drive from 3 months post-surgery, when that time came around one, I was sick (again) and secondly, I didn’t feel like I had the coordination, control or sensation I required to drive safely. 2 weeks after my driving clearance I decided it was time to give it a go. I started very small and drove down our driveway and around our property, I quickly built up some confidence and drove down our road. 2 days later feeling very cocky from home attempts I decided to drive myself to the gym. Well, I shat myself. I was so intimidated by the other cars on the road and my anxiety took over which made the drive 1000 times worse. I physically noticed a delay in my foots reaction time and had difficulty determining where my foot was especially in the moments moving from the accelerator to brake.

Just as my walking had improved drastically from practice, I believed the same would happen with my driving, so of course I persisted. After meeting with some friends at our local one Saturday evening I had offered to be the designated driver. It was my first time driving at night and to be honest I had never questioned my ability to do so. I got us 200m down the road until we came to the first intersection and my foot got ‘lost in space’ trying to find the brake after leaving the accelerator. To say this was terrifying is an understatement. It was clear that without even noticing I must have been watching my foot positioning when driving during the day and obviously wasn’t able to do this when driving in darkness. Thankfully, I managed to pull off the road and Ryan drove us home safely. This moment bought some of the trauma we had been through back to the surface for both Ryan and myself and was a reminder that life wasn’t as we knew it.

On the 12th July, 4 months post-surgery I had a routine MRI. Ryan and the kids dropped me off at the hospital. I noticed on this day the resilience and strength I had developed from this experience as my mum had been begging to take me to my appointment the night before and Ryan continued to offer to come and wait with me. Without even thinking about it I declined their offers. During my hospital stay I had so many CT scans, MRI’s and an EEG not to mention the brain surgery that I had been through by myself and I knew exactly what to expect. I haven’t seen the results of this MRI but I am assuming no news is good news (fingers crossed) and will follow up at my next appointment which should be scheduled around 8-9 months post-surgery.

BREAKING POINT

Argh the 4-month mark… It was at this point in my recovery journey that I lost myself. I felt all kinds of negative emotions associated to the stroke, myself and my recovery. I can’t pinpoint a moment or incident that may have triggered this negativity however it was powerful, frustrating and not me. I have always been open with my thoughts particularly amongst my family and I spoke to my sisters, my mum and Ryan about how I was feeling. As I mentioned, I don’t remember the moment that the negativity started to kick in, but I can remember the moment it took over and broke me.

Saturday 13th July, Ryan and I enjoyed a relaxed night out at some friend’s house, and we had arranged for my mum to look after Brody and Millie. We got home after 1am which is extremely late for us and we were both exhausted. My mum offered to stay the night to attend to the kids so we could get some rest (thanks mum). The following day was busy, and I had planned on doing a grocery shop however we never made it. Not too stressed as I had thought of a healthy meal I could create using ingredients we had at home, I decided to shop the following day. I had defrosted some protein and when I went to get the fresh ingredients out of the fridge to cook so the kids could eat at reasonable time, I realised that Ryan had used the needed ingredients in a meal two nights before. It was this moment (that feels quite ridiculous now) that broke me.

I had been house bound for 4 months with an energetic toddler and a one year old without the freedom of being able to take them anywhere and I was limited in what I could physically do to entertain them due to my condition. As it was already dark and we had recently discovered it wasn’t safe for me to drive confidently at night I couldn’t even pop down to the shops to get food to feed my family. I felt so frustrated and useless. My mum had spent the day with us as she could sense my mental state was not in a good way. In this moment I remember her saying something along the lines of it could be worse or be grateful for how everything has turned out (of course with the best of intensions) and I remember snapping back at her in my blabbering state ‘just let me cry mum, just let me cry’. That night I sobbed all night, but it felt right and was exactly what I needed, the volcano of emotions had erupted.

After crying all night and still feeling extremely emotional the next morning I was determined to one drive and secondly move my body so I drove to the gym, it was a win win. However, I didn’t pick my timing very well and I drove during the school drop off window. By the time I got to the gym I had a splitting headache as I held felt so tense and anxious driving there. My sister was working behind the desk at the time and as soon as I saw her, I burst into tears. I was so sick of not feeling like myself and in the past running had always been a stress reliever for me. I remember venting to her and in the moment, something came over me and I just thought ‘f#*% it’ I’m going for a run.

I cannot explain how important that one moment has been for my recovery journey and getting back on track to finding me again. I ran 1.7km and there was nothing that could wipe the smile off my face that day. A major passion of mine that had been taken away from me for a period was now attainable again and I was embracing it.

It was also that point in time that I decided to explore the pathway of expressive writing and that is where this blog developed from. Originally for my own personal benefit reflecting and acknowledging my journey right back to the very start of when I had the stroke, the surgery, my stay in hospital, the what if’s and my recovery progress has helped me regain a positive mindset and really helped me resinate with my new perspective on life.

A week later at my next physio appointment I explained my inability to drive at night-time as I was starting to feel that driving was a major factor holding me back and preventing me from living the life I yearned for. Performing certain exercises, it was clear that naturally the left side of my body was slightly compensating for the right side and I needed to really focus on retraining the left side of my brain. One of the techniques we used was to place both feet on separate pieces of paper, whilst seated and with my eyes closed, I needed to move my left foot position (my good leg) and then mirror the position with my right foot. On the rare occasion I was able to match them correctly however more often I was not. I also practised the same exercises using skateboards. Another technique to improve control and accuracy I would attempt to tap cones using my right foot. Quite often I would completely miss the cones or knock them over as my foot would shake hovering over the cones.

Over the weeks my EP exercises developed to focus on specifics such as accuracy and speed by performing lateral hops over a line, bounding, pickups, claws (standing against a wall and quickly bringing my leg around in a running movement), mini trampoline exercises and short jogs. On the 8th August I performed the HiMAT again (high level mobility assessment tool) exactly 3 months since my first attempt. I performed the same movements which was to walk forwards, backwards and on my toes, walk over obstacles, run, skip, hop forwards and backwards on both my affected and non-affected sides and bound on both sides. My initial score for the HiMAT was 17/36 (modified score due to no stairs) 3 months later I scored 25/36, a remarkable improvement which lead me to being discharged from my physiotherapy program a few weeks later, on the 29th August. Now it was up to me!

Ecstatic after my first run since having the stroke!

My recovery team! Steph - physiologist and Meg - physiotherapist

Reformer machine

Running training on the mini trampoline