Holy moly I cannot believe it has been twelve months since I suffered a stroke as a result of an erupted arteriovenous malformation on my brain. The anniversary date of this traumatic event in my life has reactivated thoughts and feelings from the actual event including three distinctive moments during that period being the exact moment that I had the stroke, my first night in hospital and the final moments as I prepared to have neurosurgery.
The thought, well I guess it’s more of a memory that I find brings back the rawest emotion is the final moments as I was prepped for surgery waiting to be wheeled into the surgical theatre. When thinking back to this for some reason I often refer to myself in the 3rd person almost distancing myself away that this happened to me. I feel so sad thinking back to her knowing that she had put on a brave strong front for everyone around her but was absolutely terrified of what was to come. Would she have another stroke on the operating table, would she require a blood infusion, would the surgery be a success, would she wake up, all thoughts that crossed her mind as she lay there with a ‘Bair Hugger’ (brand of warming blanket) wrapped around her.
Recently, Brody asked me which was my ‘sore’ leg and if a Band-Aid would fix it. I paused for a moment and started wondering the extent of the impact this experience had on Brody and Millie at such a young age and how it may have influenced their development.
As the anniversary date approached, I have certainly noticed I was feeling emotions more intensely than usual and have had difficulty falling and staying asleep. Through journaling I have been acknowledging these feelings and understanding it is part of my healing journey, however; it is not all sad. I am grateful for so many different things in my life from appreciating simple things such as beautiful sunrises and sunsets, training for my first half marathon and my amazing support network just to name a few that always turn my frown upside down.
I want to finish off by sharing a short poem I wrote on 20.07.19 when sitting on the Cowes beach, Phillip Island at 7am watching the most poetic sunrise (the image I have used as the background for my blog) and it was the moment I first realized my new perspective on life which lead me to express my emotions through poetry.
Stroke,
you broke me,
you changed my life,
and now I thank you,
for giving me my new perspective on life.
Sammy Harris – Stroke Survivor
